17 APR 2018
THE END OF UNIT 7: unfiltered thoughts in regards to the entire project
I think that I learned a lot over the course of this project. Besides the technical skills I have learned to varying degrees (Premiere Pro, After Effects, machine + hand sewing, painting with gouache, film photography, making a floating shelf) I have slowly begun to realise that my problem with articulating my feelings is that I tend to not think about them, shoving them to the side in order to get whatever it is that I need to do. Only for those repressed emotions to come back in full swing, to the point when it physically hurts whenever they come around late at night when I can't sleep or during those particularly low periods. I have also learned that I am actually capable of creating more honest works than I thought previously.
over the course of this project I think I went into the whole researching about my own cultural heritage aspect thinking that somehow something deep down would click and it would fill the hole I have when it comes to my cultural background. It's not to say that I'm unhappy about having researched a little bit more about a few aspects regarding my background but I think I have come to a realisation that I might be more okay with living in the grey area than I thought I was. Growing up and having moved around to various countries every few years always had moments where I realised that I could never quite belong somewhere - there were always small instances that made that divide so blatantly obvious and it always made me think 'how nice it must be to be able to belong somewhere without feeling like you're always the outsider.' or 'it must be nice to be able to live in one place you're entire life and be able to build a strong network/community around you.'
Since the start of foundation I felt these emotions amplify even more - In Hong Kong and Taiwan it was easier to blend in, since there were many cultural similarities to that of being a Malaysian Chinese. I was still part of the majority, in terms of how I looked and acted I suppose. The funny thing is though, that I've never been told that I looked different until I moved to Taiwan. Yeah sure, in Germany that was blatantly obvious, but living there no one tried to place a country or ethnicity on me like in Taiwan. Even to this day I have so many classmates from Taiwan who think that I'm actually German and/or that my dad is a white man (spoiler: he's not). I've gotten so many different labels placed on me when I lived in Taiwan that even my own friends are confused by what I am. Understandably, moving from a country tends to have connotations that you're from there but that's not my truth. Over the summer my family moved back to Malaysia after having been out of the country for 15+ years. I already knew that I'd be seen as different or as an outsider for the fact that the two languages I speak are English and German; and not the other languages spoken in Malaysia and the ones I'm "supposed" to speak due to my family background (Cantonese, Hokkien and Mandarin Chinese) - and that when I speak English I have an American (ish) sounding accent. The two incidents that I can still remember to this day of me thinking 'oh fuck Malaysians don't even see me as one of their own' are: 1) During Chinese New Year a few years ago my aunt said that it was hard for her to understand me when I was speaking in English and 2) over the summer after I had finished my appointment for the BRP registration, this auntie was talking to my mom in a cafe and she said to me 'oh you don't look Malaysian'.
Coming to London has amplified this feeling of not belonging, of being an imposter of sorts because when I am asked where I'm from and I tell them 'Malaysia' there's this unspoken expectation to be the Ultimate Guide and All-Knower of All Things Malaysian ... and like ... I don't know what you want from me fam it's not like you know everything about where you're from either so ... but yeah that sort of judgement is really apparent whenever i'm asked about the various places I've lived in but can't give an informed answer bc that's what happens when you move around so often ALSO. another instance is whenever my friends speak Cantonese/Chinese and I reply in English and other people who see that interaction always have an ... interesting expression on their faces.
In response to the 'distancing yourself' quote in one of the interviews I read: thinking about it now, I think that that was the easiest way for me to adapt to the different countries I lived in. it made it easier to blend in with the locals in whatever country we were living in at the time except that you actually stand out even more when you don't meet people's expectations of what and who you are based on your cultural background. this is especially evident when it comes to languages - the only language I can speak decently is German, the languages and dialects my parents speak I can only understand parts of it and I cannot reply back so it ends up as me always replying back in English whenever my parents and friends speaks Cantonese or Chinese to me. Funnily enough, this project made me realise how quickly (almost instantaneous) I will tune out Mandarin Chinese. Cantonese, strangely, takes a while for me to tune out - mainly due to not understanding what is being said in conversation but also probably because it's what my mom speaks in sometimes.
In regards to not having defined my own cultural identity more: a part of me wishes that I had stronger connections/ties to my cultural background but at the same time I think that one's cultural background is mainly there to help inform one's context and is not the sole factor in creating one's identity. I think that the surrounding environment helps to shape one's identity, and with that in mind, as a result of my upbringing, I suppose that my identity is turbulent, unstable and ambiguous as a result of needing to move around every few years.
Things I would do differently next time:
- just start actually making the work - even if I have no idea what I want to do - JUST DO SOMETHING - it'll at least give more tangible results which can be developed further
- work more laterally when it comes to reflections, sketchbook work and research -- this way would (probably) make it easier to make connections between all three aspects compared to delegating a time to work on one of the three aspects individually.
- look into abstract art/process of abstraction as a way of expression. -- would abstract art help articulate my experience with depression because it is so hard to articulate and that not everyone understands what it feels like to have a mental illness?
There are a few things I would like to continue doing after today (the last day of this project) or at least try to do every once in a while:
- keep trying to write more unfiltered / streams of consciousness whenever I do feel overwhelmed or when my depression comes back harder after making things seem like they're not as bad as they were before.
- to just mess around on Premiere Pro (or any unfamiliar program) to learn what different features/settings do, instead of instantly turning to the internet for whatever questions I have. By doing so, I think that the ways in which I would work could improve as I would be figuring things out on my own - seeing if I can find a more efficient way to do something, for example.
16 APR 2018
Today's studio time was spent making and installing my floating shelf so I could photograph how I would like to display my work, as well as cleaning up the studio for tomorrow's assessment. There were a few instances that emphasized the lack of time we have left that occurred during the studio time (in no particular order).
1. the 11 am submission deadline of our label on moodle which I didn't meet because I was still was unable to photograph how I wanted my set up to look like, as well as the overall confusion on what actually needed to be on the label (instructions or no instructions???). oh and the confusion of when the actual deadline was and if submitting late on moodle would impact our results.
2. the lack of people actually moving unwanted tables and chairs out from the studio space so they could set up their work properly. at one point the mess from moving chairs and tables around so that individuals would have space to set up created a maze for those entering/leaving the studio.
Another thing that I noticed over the day: I'm pretty calm for how stressed I am about tomorrow's deadline. Thinking about previous assessments and how I reacted to the work I needed to do, at this stage I'd be rushing to fill out workflow and my sketchbook but this time around, I only had to make minor changes and adjustments to my work. This is not to say that I don't have issues with time management, because I did - especially when it came to actually trying to make work and the fact that I hadn't managed to achieve everything I set out to do in my proposal. I can't tell if I should be worried or glad at this point but all I know is that this will end tomorrow at 2PM.
My only worries at the moment are:
- my sleep deprivation
- failing this assessment
- failing this assessment
- that my videos won't work
- that workflow crashes at a time closer to the deadline and I realised that I needed to change/add something only for me to not be able to do them
- oh and the printers crashing when I need to print something as a result of catching errors or wanting to edit something - as I am writing this reflection, I don't think I need to print anything out because I already did that in the library earlier today, but you never know.
13 - 15 APR 2018
Will I ever learn how to manage my time efficiently? Hopefully, I will soon but I think that this is a learning experience for how ambitious I should be when it comes to creating and executing a project of my own under a time constraint.
This weekend was spent working bit by bit on the various things I need for Tuesday's assessment. When I was adding the process of rotoscoping in After Effects in my sketchbook, I realised that I could use the pattern observations as the thing I would rotoscope/animate - see below. In the end, I decided to use one of the Cheongsam button designs (see sketchbook) because I have always been drawn to the designs and structure of the Cheongsam - in particular, the collar/neck area.
Even though the video below is of clips that I didn't use for my video, I am still pretty happy about them especially since these were done through trial and error rather than searching and following a tutorial from youtube (there's nothing wrong with doing so, but it's just a personal endeavour to not search for the answers when I don't know how to do something because that is a tendency I have).
also i just realised ... the Cheongsam button... kind of (not really) looks like how I had to draw pair of chromosomes in IB biology.
Why is it so hard to come up with a title for my final moving image.
After making some more edits to my video and adding the frame-by-frame animation of one of the buttons seen on a Cheongsam (see sketchbook) to the beginning of my video, I have a few options:
- open if you dare
- behind closed doors
- can't you see that i'm trying?
12 APR 2018
- consider changing font colour and size -- too distracting for how melancholic and personal the video is (stands out too much in comparison to the rest of the video)
- display options: floating shelf rather than my previous idea of just placing nails & include the use headphones rather than playing it out loud
- write set of instructions for how ipod should be charged set up etc
- might need to actually keep ipod for duration of assessment end of the day update: just need to set it up as closely as possible and document that for assessment - no need to keep ipod on campus for the duration of assessment.
- might need to make circle bigger if displaying on ipod -- to experiment with over weekend
yeah... when I woke up Monday morning from my nightmare of a dream I should've listened to it or at least known that something was gonna fuck up during the week. oh well. to be honest I wasn't expecting this much paper work that needs to be done in addition to workflow, sketchbook work and the two versions of the final piece. But luckily, the bibliography - that's the most tedious out of all the paper work stuff - is done for the most part (as long as I don't find any new resources from now until the 17th).
I thought that today's individual tutorial was really useful in that it made me rethink and question the state of my video. Aside from the suggestions given during the tutorial, there are some additional things I would like to add/change. One addition I would like to have is having a few more visual representations that relate to my cultural identity and information I researched about Malaysia's history... but I don't really have an idea on how I would tie those in without compromising the emotions and thoughts I want to express through the video about my own struggles with depression and not having a strong cultural identity. ... wait... would not having many visual representations of Malaysian culture represent me not having a strong cultural identity????
10 APR 2018
So, I honestly can't remember if this was mentioned earlier (like weeks ago) or not but ... today was the first time hearing about the fact that we need to have another version of our video (max 2-2.5 mins) for the showreel in the likelihood of not being selected to present your work within the gallery space. I mean my current version could be easily split in half since the two songs I'm using are both within the time limit. My only concern right now if I were to just to pick one half of the full video for the showreel version is that some clips and text I would like to show as well but don't necessarily fit the song of whichever half I choose.
At this point, my current priorities lie on the 'paper work' side to the assessment. I think that my video is pretty much ready with a few minor changes to be made. My additional bibliography is going to be pretty long seeing as how many resources I looked at over the duration of the project. Another challenge I think I will have when it comes writing a 75 word description for my moving image, seeing as I struggle with being articulate and concise.
8 + 9 APR 2018
One difficulty I faced during my attempt to animate again now that I have the footage I want: I did the same steps (see sketchbook) but then when I did animate something the layer I was working on, it wouldn't link back to the footage I used in Premiere Pro. I only realised that when I went to check bc I was getting frustrated at this point that the clip I was using was altered and so I thought that perhaps the changes made to the clip was the reason for this. I then decided to cut the same clip but leaving it in its original form (position unchanged so that it wouldn't fit the circle layer) and it works. this was a really shitty explanation of what happened but yeah. i guess if i were to animate a clip i need to use the cut clip of what i want but not with the effects i want on it in the end lmao does this even make sense probably not. sorry
I have found a negative about using adjustment layers especially in regards to what i am using one for - if you use a circle like I am to create a 'peephole' type look but you want to animate the layer below you'll probably be guessing what will be shown in frame. like yeah I know I could just apply the same effects to the clip I want to animate and then it'll be solved but ... I am lazy and I have no energy to do so instead I'd rather just use tracing paper to mark out what can be seen vs the actual scene as reference ... cause thats ... a better... solution ... pls help who left me alone to work on this project
update: three clips in and i think i know why this might have happened. I clicked out of the blue rectangle area and deselected the linked clips.
after selecting 'replace with after effects composition' the above screenshot is what you see. @future me pls ... just double click the area which the clip will come up ... just pls ... but if this is the reason why the clip with the effects on it didnt work @past me ...
https://twitter.com/kuangrf/status/982786774014615552 important reminder for myself ( twitter thread)
Going into this project, I think that this tweet especially was an important reminder when it came to researching about my own cultural heritage and especially when I was looking for Chinese myths and legends, as shown in the conversation I had with a friend.
note: reflections also told by texts i sent to friends
I don't know when this was but when I was looking for information regarding the history of Malaysia being colonised, the sources I did look at mentioned nothing in regards to the impacts of the British colonisers. Also, this just might be me looking too much into it but the language used when talking about the history was … I don’t know how to articulate/ describe it but to me it seemed like they sugarcoated the events. And that launched my small journey into looking for the impacts.
I managed to find a source that talks about the treatment of Indian migrant workers during the British colonial rule in Malaysia. I'm not really surprised at this more disappointed in the treatment of migrant workers if anything. And it made me think about the times when feelings of hurt, pain, anger, etc. eventually turns into indifference - not necessarily apathy but a resigned(? i can’t think of the word I want to use at the moment) acceptance of reality. This is not to say that I don’t get angry when I discover new information in regards to the British colonisation of majority of the world but its like … ‘yeah ok we already knew this shit happened so many times thats its not that surprising but this is still so fucked up’
5 APR - the day where I spent looking for audio I could use for my video
I thought about using this song (above) from the movie soundtrack of Spirited Away, but then when I did import it and saw it in combination with the clips and text I was using, I felt that it was too dramatic for what my video was about. I wanted to something that was calming/melancholic and realised that I have started to listen to lo-fi (hiphop) instrumental tracks whenever I get in a bad spot mentally. I went through multiple soundcloud profiles (all of which produced/released lo-fi instrumental tracks) to find tracks that had that calming yet sad quality to the track. The process itself of finding the more suitable tracks for video was hard - so many of the tracks I found were too upbeat or had really strong bass lines.
The ones I did find were still not quite what I wanted in mind - I thought about how I could represent my experiences with depression and mental illness in general to my greatest ability. I eventually remembered that most of the time when I am listening to lo-fi music is when I am feeling numb or extremely overwhelmed where I can't focus on anything - to the point where songs with lyrics is too much to process/handle.
I decided to manipulate the audio chosen to try to represent the experience of listening to music when you're too numb to function -- that is, you don't quite hear the music and everything kind of sounds like you're underwater or like you have someone covering your ears so everything is muffled. I decided to do trial and error in the effects related to audio as a way of learning what effects did when applied. The solution: lowpass -- it creates a muffled sounding audio track when you decrease the 'cutoff' value.
- 14:43 my headphones officially died
- 14:43 both sides don’t work
- 20:27 I fell down the playing-from-another-room wormhole lmao but its so soothing
Having my headphones break (and the immense lack of will to go out and buy new ones) made me realise how extremely reliant I am on listening to music. Partly because I do really enjoy listening to music but I've since realised that it's also a way of coping with my mental illness like i am so dependent on music as a way of keeping my brain distracted from (intrusive) thoughts etc and yeah like i can just play music out loud (which i have been doing in my room) but i cant exactly do that when i'm cooking, running errands or other activities that require me to go out of my room and even at night i cant really play music out loud without the fear of disturbing my flatmates no matter how quietly i play it. i realised that im so scared of being alone with my thoughts that i never really realised how much time out of a day that is spent listening to music.
01:27 idk what music/audio to use for my video
02:23 Elaine i should probs go sleep now and not at 4/5 am
02:23 Elaine kinda disappointed with the amount of work i did today but oh wells
02:23 Elaine imma go try sleep now
Pros to not being able to sleep:
- Get to see the sunrise
- Lots of time to do nothing / scroll on the internet
Cons to not being able to sleep;
- Pls,,, I need my brain to shut off for a while ,,, like im begging you ,, pls just end it like pls
Tiff 15:14 let’s play a game
15:26 tiff 31. I mean. It depends really. But Something like floating and being there and like falling asleep or like fainting.You can hear your own heartbeat and breathing and everything else just kinda mutes or you’d just feel pain I guess and then it’ll be numb and then like falling into a deep slumber. Unless it’s a painful kinda death then ouchie
17:12 Elaine re: 31 depends how you die but probs like an endless sleep if we're talking about the more painless deaths
17:16 Elaine 1: if we're talknig about childhood favourite movie those were emperors new groove and mulan and i cant remember when i watched those but it was when i was really young. but if we're talking about movies ive watched recently that were my favs... spirited away and howls moving castle i watched over the summer and i kinda wished i had watched these earlier. grand budapest hotel is another favourite of mine and i think i wtched it with my parents aroud h2/3 bc at that time my dad rented movies from this dvd place and i only suggested it after seeing a tumblr post about it lmao
12:54 Gonna try to finish ordering my clips today
http://www.scmp.com/news/asia/southeast-asia/article/2140141/masterchef-uk-judges-skewered-twitter-telling-malaysian -- the one time Singapore Malaysia and Indonesia will agree with each other and come together to defend the food of the region
Still don’t know what im gonna do for this final project im so burnt out im procrastinating on shit I actually want to make but have no energy to do so and im pretty sure im gonna fail I have 16 days to make something :) I feel like I’ve wasted a year and that I should’ve just done my ba
21 MAR 18
H.E.R concert - as told by texts
- 18:08 I love sza I really do but why are people singing her songs when we're here to see H.E.R.
- 19:12 also this venue is beautiful
- 21:06 Im tearing up
- 22:21 I love her so much
- 22:21 I’m crying
- 22:21 Her vocals are insane
- 22:25 Gonna try to buy merch
- 22:25 But idk where this line starts
- 22:33: got a hoodie!!
- 22:34Gonna need a job next year to fund my concerts and potential merch
- 23: 00 The name of the tour "lights on" is so fitting cause the lighting was bomb
- 00:31 HER VOCALS HER PLAYING THE GUITAR THE LIGHTING THE LIVE BAND HER BACKUP VOCALISTS
- 12:33 she also sang two (?) unreleased songs and omg I had CHILLS
- 00:36 the dean show had questionable lighting
- 00:37 my fav lighting for all the concerts ive been to: #1: HER #2 hyukoh
18 MAR 18
you.will.knovv concert - as told by texts sent
sunday update :
- its so fucking cold my hands are numb
- just came back from having lunch in brick lane with [friend 1, 2, 3]
- as per usual [friend] was 40+ mins late bc he was hungover lmao
- have a few hours to kill before i have to leave for the dean/you.will.knnovv concert
- 02:36 flatmate wanted to wait till dean came out
- 02:36 and he did eventually in the van but omg most of the people were so obnoxious
- 02:36 they were like WE WAITED FOR HIM SO HE SHOULD TALK TO US FOR 30 MINS
- 02:36 like no. he does not owe you shit
- 02:37 it was really good!! got an amazing view in the balcony and i made a new friend!!
- 02:38 came home at 2am and took a shower
- 02:41 me when i walked into the pit area and the floor was sticky
- 02:42 and thenn the friend i made inline was like ill go check the balcony to see if its better and it was so much better
- 02:42 the crowd was so intense at onne point bc they (dean + crew) started throwing these like rolls of paper? into the corwd
- 02:43 fuck that shit
- 02:43 i will enjoy my view from the balconny thanks
- 02:43 the friend i made is also going to see HER and we're like OMG NO ONE I KNOW KNOWS THE PEOPLE I DO
- 02:43 cause both of us came alone
- 02:43 well technically i didnt cause my flatmate was also there but like lmao
- 02:49 today was so cold
- 02:49 it was snowing when i queued up
- friend - 02:59 Think my existential crisis will be this week Ahahahah
- 03:00 im waiting for my existential crisis to end
This concert was (again) a reminder of what someone's (or in this case multiple people) work looks like when they're making work that is authentic and genuine to them - work that's not made for profit or for popularity but made because they're personally invested in what they're doing ... does this even make sense... anyways. it was also a reminder and i suppose a realisation of the power and freedom that comes with creating work that's purely just for your own goals/endeavours and being so sure in your identity (at the moment)
15 MAR 2018 (progress tutorial week)
- did you achieve all you set out to do? if not why?
- how can you make better use of your studio time?
- action plan via workflow for today
- what do you intend to achieve today?
- how will you achieve this? what do you need? -- AM + PM sessions
My progress tutorial was postponed but I did manage to get more work in I think. I did the various medium experiments since last week. However, with the cloudy weather this past week, I haven't been able to shoot my multiple exposure photos. At this point, with my current experiments with various mediums (embroidery, gouache, film photography) I am leaning towards making either a video or a series of photos shot on film. I think that starting to write down a stream of consciousness (especially when I can't sleep) has been an interesting experience so far and would be helpful in terms of content if I were to add the element of text to my video/photos for the final outcome.
I think I could make better use of my studio time by setting out specific tasks to do throughout a single day rather than just stating the general plan I want to do. For example, today:
- AM/PM I want to learn how to do rotoscoping in After Effects, as well as learn how to create a VHS tape look to a clip having found tutorials on them on Youtube.
- PM/HOME: idea development (starting point of 10-20 mins of sketching/writing literally whatever comes to mind) & updating additional bibliography
end of day check:
- what is your daily plan between now and Tuesday? making reflection research
- what do you need to do before Tuesday in order to push the project?
- what do you need to bring with you on Tuesday to make sure you are getting the most from your studio time?
continue today's work at home.
Friday: (very) rough storyboard: start editing and go out to film around the canal.
Saturday/Sunday: continue editing & if it's actually sunny: do multiple exposure shots
In order to push the project for Tuesday's WIP crit I actually need to start making/editing. And this can be done by thinking of ideas and then developing them. I think I will most likely need to print out screenshots of what I'm working on in addition of showing the work on my laptop (if it's a video).
8 MAR 2018
- did you achieve all you set out to do?
- if not why?
- how can you make better use of your studio time?
- action plan via workflow for today
- what do you intend to achieve today?
- how will you achieve this? what do you need? -- AM + PM sessions
- yes and no. i managed to do both experiments for photographing on film and embroidery. however, my research is still lacking. i don't have many sources about malaysia and it's history + culture and i still haven't found any artists who make work about their mental illness. I still have to do my trial on multiple exposure shots on film which i will do over the weekend. i don't think the tasks themselves are difficult to achieve, but i have found it extremely difficult for me to focus since around the end of January which is why i am still behind on the things i want to do.
- by focusing on one of the following: workflow, research, experimentation for one half of each day, i think i can be more focused throughout the week.
- I need to start using my studio time/taught days time more efficiently by focusing on actually making something and not just doing stuff on workflow/research. im not sure how I currently feel
todays action plan + things i want to achieve today:
- AM make sure all reflections are up to date
- AM/PM start adding research about malaysia: in particular traditional clothing (focus on cut, fabric, print, any meanings) -- make sure to add resources into additional bibliography
- PM print off final PPP
- at home PM : sketchbook work -- analyse film photos + start idea development (starting point of 10-20 mins of sketching/writing literally whatever comes to mind)
6 MAR 2018
i'm not really sure how relevant this will be in regards to my own project but i was scrolling through the photos taken on my phone and 99.7% of the photos i have that are of people, are of other people and not of myself and i dont know how i feel about that. it's kinda sad that i dont have many photos of myself as a ~documentation of my youth~ or whatever but its also a realisation of “like ,,, fuck. I lost majority of my teenage years to what I assume is depression, loneliness and so much self doubt”
5 MAR 2018
01:39AM: .... can u use an album as a reference for this project??? cause if so ... i'd use paramore's after laughter and 21p's blurryface and a bunch of other albums
i was talking about the state of my mental health with a friend briefly this week and each time im like 'i should probs see the councillor at school' my brain immediately goes NOPE NOPE NOPE' which is ... concerning but i'm also not surprised. at this point I might try to make a piece that uses the conversations i have with my closest friends regarding the state of our mental health.
3 MAR 2018
PARAFIN Gallery - HIRAKI SAWA 'FANTASMAGORIA'
I was drawn to 'uno.uno.uno' the most out of the three videos created by Sawa that was played in the gallery. It was the one that was strongest to me visually mainly because of the prevalent contrasts between light and dark and how it was all filmed.
i was drawn to how all the photographs were arranged on the walls and their scale (essentially spanning the entire wall) and it is something i think i'd like to do display wise if i were to use photographs for my final piece for this unit.
my first thoughts when seeing this (real time of stocks): imagine being so fucking mad about something (rightly so) and needing to display the evidence in a gallery bc #same. i also really liked how the screens were framed in actual frames which just adds another layer of satire to the piece for me.
Gagosian - MURAKAMI x ABLOH
This was the most Pretentious/Extra thing I've seen today. To be honest I didn't have any expectations going into seeing this exhibition - I went out of curiosity especially with wanting to see how both Murakami and Abloh each have their own recognisable styles/motifs.
1 MAR 2018
PPP draft progress:
I think research was the most useful aspect so far in trying to narrow down what it is that I want to explore and create for this final unit. For example, the movies I watched helped in terms of being examples of creating a world authentic to the world its in and the people in it. They were also useful examples of how one could create an immersive world that dealt with a variety of problems both directly and indirectly.
Another example would be the podcast I listened to was really insightful as it talked about issues regarding identity and defining ones identity and it was something I related to personally.
27 FEB 2018
- is it possible to have an existential crisis for more than a week
- i cant help but feel like im running out of time and that im making a Mistake but i cant pinpoint why
- its not about uni decisions but it just feels like i dont have enough time to do anything
- also came to the realisation that idk if seasonal depression hit really hard for me this year or if im getting worse
26 FEB 2018
guess who changed their proposal again? i did.
i dont think i have it in me to create something genuine based off of malaysia's history.
i also started to think about creating works for this project about my experience and journey with mental illness seeinng as i havent... had much human interaction over reading week....
i feel like i'm running out of time and i cant help but feel like im constantly making a mistake when... i'm not really doing anything? i'm just here trying to find more resources and trying to think of a more concrete idea ... so why do i feel like i'm always making a wrong decision
19 - 25 FEB 2018 (reading week)
thoughts I had during reading week:
not surprised but the orange is something that lowkey surprised me until i looked at the recent posts and noticed that i started a black+orange theme.
first time in 2018: having an existential crisis thats lasted more than a day
re: watching Spirited Away for the second time in my life: Theres something about Spirited Away in particular out of the studio Ghibli movies that touches your soul. the story line, the visuals, the accompanying audio track. everything is so soothing and relaxing and ,,, comforting.
re: watching In the Mood for Love - this movie is filmed so beautifully. the use of vibrant primary colours as a motif throughout the film but also as a way to frame the characters. i was also drawn to the usage of the buildings and furniture as a way to frame the characters in combination to the camera angles. another thing I noticed was the repetition of a song whenever the two main characters cross paths.
17 FEB 2018
holy shit also @ whoever is reading this: please do yourself a favour and watch it and take everyone you know with you
texts i sent to friends (who had seen the movie) after coming out of the movie theater:
- i would die for shuri
- okoye could murder me and it would be an absolute honour
- i wanted to cry so many times the film was just so Beautiful and Regal - everything from the character development, costume design, set design, hair + makeup, the music it was just so incredibly immersive and captivating
- "like antelopes in headlights"
- "how do you think your ancestors got these? you think they paid a full price for it? or did they take them like they took everything else?" this hit home hard
- "does she speak english?" "when she wants to" I FELT THAT IN MY SOUL
- also LMAO AT THE 'DONT SCARE ME LIKE THAT COLONIZER" part fucking hell i cracked up
- aLSO the 'you would kill me, my love?' 'for my country? without hesitation' broke my heart
my thoughts on BLACK PANTHER, a few days later:
i absolutely loved how the women are allowed to be women and not whatever stereotype of women (specially stereotypes of black women). each character has their own unique personalities, goals, desires and dreams. they all co-exist in the same story without ever making it a competition between themselves, something that you often find when there are more than one female character. They’re all driven to and they’re not afraid of expressing themselves, no matter who they’re talking to and what that person's status is.
Also lmao @ the irony of Hollywood not making movies with a full Asian cast or even an Asian lead is they want revenue from the audience in China as it takes up a chunk of the international box office. This movie was a perfect example and evidence that POC can succeed in the movie industry and in hollywood.
articles i read after having watched black panther (ACCESSED 8 MAR) :
15 Feb 2018
Today is the day before Chinese (Lunar) New Year. It's the first time that I will be spending this holiday away from family and from an environment that goes all out for this holiday. It also made me realise how little I actually know about the traditions and any myths/folklore that surround this holiday. yes, i am aware that the first PPP draft was due at the end of the day, but I still changed my idea to wanting to explore my own identity.
Currently, the aspect I want to explore further in regards to my identity is my cultural identity, even though that's essentially a Mess, courtesy of having lived away from my 'home' country for majority of my life (16 years now) and not really practicing any traditions at home. this is something i would like to explore in my research and hopefully (keyword: hopefully) produce something (even if it's just an experiment) that has these influences present in them.
14 FEB 2018
KHALID CONCERT @ EVENTIM APOLLO, LONDON
texts i sent after the concert:
- 23:28 I’m so sad
- 23:28 Khalid WAS SO BRILLIANT
- 23:29 Khalid is a ball of sunshine that must be protected
- 23:29 He was gonna talk about his next song but stopped to wave at the fans and he kept on trying to talk but would stop to wave and it was so cute
- 23:29 and his live band holy shit
- 23:41 like his intro tho
- 23:42 also some people threw roses on stage and he would pause to say thank you and it was so cute
- 23:42 ITS WHAT HE DESERVES
I feel like I say this after every concert I’ve been to but this was the best concert I’ve been to. It’s both surreal and depressing to see someone so close in age (6 days to be exact) succeed at what they love doing. I also never thought I’d be seeing him live in concert so soon. this time a year ago I found his music by chance and in march last year his debut album came out and that was pretty much on repeat until about May (bc Paramore’s album came out then) but to hear the songs so ingrained with certain memories live and to see the person perform them enjoy what they do is so inspiring.
Another thing that struck me after the concert was how similar our upbringing has been - in terms of having to move around country to country because of our parent’s jobs. And growing up and moving from country to country school to school, I couldn’t really connect with a lot of people or rather I felt that no one really understood how I felt (despite having been to international schools my whole life). and for me to finally know someone who shared the same experiences and feelings as I do made me connect more with him. I found a few tweets of his that i relate(d) to. the first few years of living in Taipei I considered Germany the closest thing I had to ’home’ even tho I only lived there for 2.5 years, the shortest time we spent in a country. I stopped feeling that way sometime around in high school and now being on the foundation course I don’t know where home is but right now I think I find ‘home’ in people and certain places/events rather than a physical city for example. I am slightly envious but mostly happy that he has somewhere to call home despite moving around so much growing up.
some tweets of his that i relate to heavily:
13 Feb 2018
how do i write a project proposal draft when i don't even know what i want to do :)))))))))))
I began creating a mind-map for the term 'memory' and the words i associated with it are so broad and vague that it's hard to narrow it down to just a few terms.
Additionally, I also thought about the ways I worked for previous projects during foundation as a way of starting to think on how I should go about creating my own project.
- found video i watched recently (one shot in hong kong) and practiced basic editing on premiere pro
- came up with video idea to make a video with music video clips shot in hong kong because the video found was shot in hong kong
- impulsively decided to cut and edit clips to a specific song (found later after having edited the clips the way i wanted to) after turning the audio track on with all the edited clips and thought it was too distracting/jarring
3D material news (one day project) :
- found articles & winged it bc I find it hard to think and work 3-dimensionally.
2D altered spaces (one day project):
- found images
- started with abstraction and repeated that with slight modifications each time
- tried using water colours again
- winged it
action and aftermath (week project) :
- photos takenn in spaces i dont go to often -- subjecting myself to places that induce a greater sense of anxiety (crowded, loud)
consequence of taking your time (~2 weeks project):
- started as me messing around on my drawing tablet as a way of trying to get back into using it
- tried drawing quickly - observational
- tried drawing from memory
- stuck with the 'drawing from memory' idea bc i liked the challenge it posed for me
park life (month long):
- started by noticing wind blowing through the trees up in Waterlow park
- noticed the movements in the video clips I took of the wind blowing through various parts of the park
- wanted a way to highlight those movements
- lowkey impulsively decided to see how to rotoscope using photoshop vs after effects out of curiosity
- easier way to start a longer project duration seeing as the main media to use was a moving image
Basically, the ways I work: impulsively deciding to do something / exploring something I was curious about
8 Feb 2018
As excited as i am to be able to plan and carry out my own project, it is extremely daunting to do. I'm not sure what I want to do yet or what I even want to explore.
Having looked back on the artists that I have previously looked at, the theme of 'memory' has been featured in several of them. Another one is 'identity' and its varying sides to what that means. Furthermore, the theme of 'memory' has appeared in past projects so this may be something I will further explore/consider for this project.